Human behaviour is acknowledged to be made up of a complex intermingling of innate being and the environment to which someone is exposed – the nature vs nurture tension.

This has implications for parenting requiring us to hold in balance these two factors. The way our little ones behave is a combination of nature and nurture; their personality and our parenting. The tension then is found in determining what is what. What can we change and what do we simply have to work with?

Mirrors into ourselves

I believe that much more than we would like to think, our young children are reflecting back to us the way in which we are parenting. It is much more comfortable to err on the side of nature; to assign behaviours to a child’s personality rather than anything we have or haven’t done.

This can be comfortable because it absolves us of responsibility but, if that behaviour is undesirable, it can also be defeating. We can feel that we simply have to accept a toddler’s biting or hitting because he is “an aggressive person”.

Reflective Parenting

I would like to advocate a simple approach to these typical toddler challenges: reflective parenting. This is where you see your child as a mirror for your own attitudes and behaviours. It can be very confronting to realise that the negative behaviour you see in your offspring can be traced back to your own failings.

This is not to say that you are failing as a parent. No, it is simply recognising the universal truth that we are all sinners, we all have areas in our lives that we need to work on. It just becomes that much more important when you have an impressionable child that you are responsible for and have considerable influence over.

There are two aspects to recognise when engaging in reflective parenting. Once we have touched on already: your sin or bad habits can be reflected back in your toddler’s behaviour. If you are prone to ignoring your child when they are trying to talk to you, guess what? Your toddler is more likely to ignore you.

The other side is the way you deal with the behaviour. It’s unlikely that your toddler learned to throw themselves on the floor when upset by watching you. However, the way you respond to such behaviour sets up a pattern for continued tantrums or other more constructive ways of dealing with disappointment. It can be as simple as smiling at a baby when they goo or ga, thus encouraging their use of vocal chords.

A key question

To be a reflective parent requires that you ask yourself a question: what am I doing or who am I being that may be influencing my child’s behaviour? Notice that I have phrased this question with “may be influencing”. This acknowledges that, while you are a possible (and likely) influence, there is still the factor of personality that comes into play.

Once you have asked that reflective question, of course, you need to take time to reflect. It isn’t necessary to jump to conclusions that A caused B, but it is worth considering different angles and possibilities. Your child may be overly clingy which could be based on a personality trait but the clinginess has been encouraged by your over-protectiveness or your own propensity to avoid new people.

There are multiple options for each scenario, but because you know your own child best, and hopefully you also know yourself, with practice you can become more aware of the influence you may be having in a specific situation.

A bold new world

Now here comes the fun bit. Much like a science experiment, you can begin to tweak the variables of your own attitudes, behaviours, and parenting techniques and notice the effect your changes have on your child. It is important to be consistent with any changes for a reasonable length of time otherwise your child will just get confused.

Depending on the behaviour you are seeking to change, you could notice a difference within a day. A more ingrained pattern of behaviour may take weeks or even months to see progress. Where personality is a big factor you may have years where you need to encourage your child in a new direction.

Be encouraged that as a parent you have immense influence over your child. This great responsibility can seem daunting. With reflective parenting, you can look at what you can control, yourself, and make changes that help your child grow and mature.

We are fundamentally children of God

As such, we can submit our parenting strategies to our loving Father. We can use discernment given by Holy Spirit, which will help us in our reflecting. And we can track the relationship between Father and Son to see how love works.

Courtesy of Press Service International

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