Have you ever found yourself having a conversation with your husband that is going nowhere? He’s talking to you in English but it might as well be in a foreign language because as much as you both try to find some common ground, you just can’t see eye to eye. You can’t understand his perspective at all and he can’t understand yours. It’s a stalemate and neither wants to budge.

These moments of communication breakdown can be frustrating. We want a picture perfect, Instagram-ready marriage. But sometimes real-life marriage just isn’t like that. Sometimes it is and that’s really great. But there are times when it’s just hard to understand where our spouse is coming from and rather than two peas in a pod, we can feel more like chalk and cheese.

Here are some things to remember when you and your husband are struggling to see eye to eye.

1. God didn’t give you another version of you

Newsflash: Your husband is not you; he’s not the same as you! They may think like you on some level and most couples will have things they share in common, like hobbies or political perspectives or family values etc. But no matter how similar you and your spouse are, it still remains true that they are a very different person from you. They walked a different path in life, came from a different family, maybe even a different place. It will be hard to find someone else who thinks exactly like you on every single issue. But just imagine for one minute if you woke up every day to another version of you? How boring would that be?! How unstimulating! Appreciate the differences and think about how they can challenge your own perspectives or way of living for the better. Maybe God is trying to refine you or mold you into a better version of yourself through the man He gave you to marry. If we can get past our stubbornness or pride, we can see how much there is to learn from our husbands and how much we can grow through our marriage to them.

2. God didn’t give you a ‘yes man’

We can forget it sometimes but our husbands are not there to agree with us on every point or answer everything we say with ‘yes, dear, you are right.’ We all want approval and it’s a nice feeling when others agree with our opinion, especially those we love or look up to the most. So it can be hurtful when our husbands openly challenge our views or call us out on something we’re doing wrong. And it can be annoying when they don’t agree with us, even in the small, unimportant things. Surely he can see how in this instance I was totally right?! Well, the uncomfortable truth is that sometimes it takes the honesty of our husbands to make us realize how ungracious or un-Christlike we’re being and see where we could be better. Other times, we’re just plain boring them with our small talk and we just have to accept that they’re not interested in what we want to talk about and would really rather talk about something else – or not talk at all! It’s at times like that, you need to call your girlfriend!

3. God didn’t give you another best girlfriend

Speaking of girlfriend, it’s important that we don’t confuse our husbands with our best girlfriends. Otherwise we can have wrong expectations and find ourselves disappointed. There will be things that you can chat about with your girlfriend for hours and hours that your husband probably can’t even handle for five minutes! And being a woman, there will be some things that your best girlfriend can relate to that your husband simply can’t relate to – or at least, not to the same extent – because he’s a man. He was made with a different brain and a different way of seeing the world. Men and women were made to complement each other, not mirror each other. So we need to remember that the dynamic in our marriage relationship is going to be different from our friendships with others, even very close friendships. Yes, we should be friends with our husbands – the best of friends – but at the end of the day, they are still our husband, which surpasses the status of friend, and God commands that as wives, we respect our husbands and submit to them. And it also means going the extra mile for them far more than we would for anyone else, because we are so much more invested in this relationship.

4. Choose your battles

Some things are just not worth a complete relationship breakdown over. Some things are not worth the exhausting fight or the effort it takes to put everything back together again after hours or days of awkwardness, sulking, or not speaking to each other. Of course, some things are absolutely worth standing our ground over. But there are some times when compromise or letting it go is the best option.  Sometimes, what we stand to gain out of making a big deal out of something is not as much as we stand to lose.  Sometimes, we need to exercise godly wisdom about how to discuss sensitive issues with our husbands.  Sometimes, we just need to wait for the right time because he’s got too much on his plate and can’t deal with another thing right now.  If we get combative every time we don’t like something, we run the risk of making our husbands retreat into themselves or tune out.  There are times when the best way to tackle an area of disagreement is not to speak out everything single thing we feel to our husbands but to get on our knees and pray it all out to God, trust Him with it, and watch Him work things out according to how He sees fit.  Sometimes the most rewarding prayer time in marriage is when a husband and wife hold hands and pray together to God, confessing their weakness and their struggle, and asking Him to help them figure the disagreement out.   

5. It’s ok to not fully understand your husband or feel completely understood by him

There can be some bewildering moments in marriage! There may even be moments when you feel like two strangers. But – and we’re talking about generally healthy relationships here – when these moments come, don’t think that your relationship is somehow ‘less’ of a relationship than other people’s. Don’t believe everything that’s on Instagram because Instagram only tells part of the story! Marriages are beautiful, wonderful, challenging, messy, and everything in between! But there are not many people posting their mess on Instagram! So don’t have unrealistic expectations and don’t feel disappointed if your marriage (and home!) doesn’t look like a photoshoot for People magazine. We are just limited human beings married to other limited human beings. Only God can truly understand our husbands and only God can truly understand us. Only God can fulfil that deeply felt need inside of our hearts to feel accepted and loved and understood. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself and don’t put too much pressure on your husband. He’s a man, not God. And even though our husband is our husband in this lifetime, our ultimate husband is the Lord. Those bewildering or frustrating moments in your marriage are just another opportunity to make room for God in your relationship and let Him help you love each other in Christ.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)

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