Pastor Aaron Graham of The District Church in Washington, D.C., preached a sermon about marriage, submission, “headship” and how families flourish when the father leads by example by taking the initiative as a servant leader submitted to Christ. 

In progressive enclaves such as the nation’s capital, the word submission, as defined in Ephesians 5:21-22 can often be misunderstood, especially “when we fail to read what it says before and after.”

Submission, however, is not justification for either the husband or the wife to accept abuse or violence within a marriage, he added. 

“Let me just say, man or woman, if you’re in a marriage that is truly abusive and violent, you can get help. One of the most loving things you can do is draw a boundary in the relationship and say this must change for this relationship to continue. And you need to say to your partner, ‘You have to get help and you have to do something that I can’t do for you now.'”

“I want to go through what submission is and isn’t because we can get so tripped up on that word,” he reiterated. 

Graham defined a “kingdom man” as “a man who lives under the Lordship of Christ while boldly advancing God’s agenda in every sphere of his life.” 

“If a husband has to resort to the bare assertion of his authority like, ‘I’m the boss,’ that’s a sign of deeper problems in your marriage. And the interesting thing is that the most healthy and committed marriages, the man has a revelation that he’s responsible, that he’s accountable before God,” Graham said.  

“[He] has a very high view of marriage and his role, which typically is a more conservative position. And yet, the research shows that the healthiest marriages, the way he engages in the marriage with his wife is very egalitarian relationally, not pulling rank — mutual submission,” he added.

Graham said Christian husbands “are fighting a greater enemy in the spiritual realm who is out to divide your marriage and to divide your family.”

“As a kingdom man, you need to stand guard in your home in prayer against the enemy and protect your family from the attacks of the evil one,” said the pastor.  

While many men do not want to express a “toxic” view of manhood in their marriages, Graham noted, it is difficult “to know what a positive vision of manhood looks like.” 

One aspect of this positive manhood is the word “engaged,” according to Graham, namely that a good Christian husband seeks to be “staying engaged in the relationship.” 

Addressing his remarks to believing husbands, Graham said, “If your marriage is suffering, nine times out of 10, you have the power to turn your marriage around.”

“If you take the initiative to say, ‘We’re going to go get help, I’m going to go get help, I’m going to do whatever it takes,’ and really mean it and really get vulnerable and really take time to listen to what’s going on in your wife’s heart, that is the spark a relationship needs in order to be revived,” Graham said.  

Graham said a significant problem for many men today is “disengagement,” specifically “emotional disengagement, and even at a deeper level, spiritual disengagement.” 

Graham mentioned that a biblical example of a man who was disengaged can be found in Genesis 3, when Adam hides from God after he ate the forbidden fruit along with his wife, Eve.  

“God asks the man in Genesis 3, ‘Where are you?’ Not because God doesn’t know where Adam is physically, but because He knows he is spiritually and emotionally hiding,” Graham said. 

“In his fear, in his shame, rather than taking responsibility for addressing things that God has commanded he take care of, the man blames the woman, says ‘she made me eat it.'”

Graham argued that Adam’s fall “happens because the man failed to submit to God’s lordship” and that one of the consequences was that there is “tension in the marriage now.”  

Graham said that “there are too many men today who have received Christ as Savior but have not committed to following Him as Lord,” adding that men need “to be first submitted to Christ.” 

“Committed Christians who believe in the Bible and attend church regularly have the best marriages in virtually every area — intimacy, emotional connection, parenting, happiness  — because they have such a high view of marriage, they do the work to learn how to improve their relationship,” Graham advised.  

“[Paul] says in [Ephesians 5] verse 21, ‘submit to one another, out of reverence for Christ.’ In other words, it starts with our submission of Christ. And then, there’s this mutual submission to one another; that’s a reflection of our submission to Christ.” 

Graham said that misinterpreting the Ephesians passage can often lead to a lot of negative consequences in marriages, such as “women staying in abusive and violent marriages” and “men justifying doing some really awful things.” 

“If you’re in a marriage that is truly abusive and violent, you can get help. And one of the most loving things you can do is draw a boundary in the relationship and say, ‘This must change for this relationship to continue.’ And you need to say to your partner, ‘You have to get help, and you have to do something that I can’t do for you,'” Graham said.  

The pastor said it’s important for men to recognize that submission does not mean women are inferior to men, pointing to the example of the Trinity and Persons of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

“Jesus came under God to carry out the divine plan of salvation. But, this doesn’t mean that Jesus was any less God,” he said.

Graham also clarified that “submission doesn’t mean that a man is the head of all women,” and it does not mean that a husband has “authority over your wife in anything and everything.” 

When a man does have authority, Graham said it “has to be consistent with the Word of God” and warned that “a man who is not under the leadership and guidance of the local church is not living under the headship of Christ.” 

“Since Christ is the Head of the Body of Christ, that’s where we experienced the fullness of Christ. The other thing that submission or headship is not is it’s not one-way accountability, right, where you’re holding a woman accountable to something that you’re not willing to do,” Graham warned. “That’s called a double standard. And it’s one of the major reasons that causes breakdown in the family.”

“Headship means being engaged and taking responsibility,” he continued. “Of course, there’s a joint responsibility in marriage. No marriage works unless the husband and wife are working together as a team.”

Nicole Alcindor is a reporter for The Christian Post. 

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